Elderly Street Gang Reclaims Park Bench from Truant Teens

Elderly Gang

MOONEY’S BAY, OTTAWA – “That park bench is our turf.  Capice?” said John Carlo, leader of a recently-formed gang of senior citizens living in the Riverside area.  Yesterday, Mr. Carlo and company were involved in a confrontation with students of Brookfield High School over the use of a highly sought after bench located near the waterfront area of Mooney’s Bay Park.

John and a group of friends had grown accustomed to relaxing on the park bench in the early afternoon on weekdays to eat deli sandwiches and discuss reruns of Murder She Wrote and Matlock.  However, with the arrival of warmer spring weather, a growing number of students from the nearby high school began skipping afternoon classes to congregate around the aforementioned seating area.  Before long it became a daily occurrence and the group of retirees had been effectively bullied out of their prized lunch spot.

When attempts to resolve the dispute amicably were met with offensive and ageist remarks, Mr. Carlo enlisted the help of members of his bocce ball league to reclaim the park bench once and for all. Witnesses claim that at 1:00 pm a gang of five elderly men approached the group of teenagers, rolling up their sleeves while taunting them using old-timey slang.

“When I was their age I was fighting Nazis in Normandy. You think I’m scared of some punk with a longboard?” exclaimed Carlo. “So I says to ‘em, I says ‘listen buster, I’m not too old to clean your clock!’”

Sources claim the confrontation ended before the onset of any violence when the group of teenagers decided it was in their best interest to relocate to the Hog’s Back Falls.

Commenting on his fearlessness in the face of physical altercation, Mr. Carlo explained: “I was an undefeated boxer in my day, and let me tell you boy, I still got some mitts on me,” he said, holding up his hands. “This one’s got the need for speed.  And this one’s got the power to devour,” referring to his left and right fists respectively.

Ramsgate & Hackett

15 Responses to “Elderly Street Gang Reclaims Park Bench from Truant Teens

  • May Angels
    1 year ago

    Ahahahahhahahahaha

  • Love it! More seniors like this needed!

  • Man they look like mob guys that could hide a body or 2. Wow good job gentlemen

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    Those benches look nice and relaxing. I think I’ll pop by with a few friends and try them out today.

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    So resorting to violence, good job ! LOL bench is city property you don’t own it! Just cause someone is using something you want doesn’t mean you can take it by force. Maybe I should take their initiative, I want to be mayor of Ottawa, I guess I should just walk into city hall with my boys and just take it?
    This old man will get hurt one day and mess with the wrong group of people, and end up getting shot.

    Be mindful of your surroundings!

    • Be mindful when you open your mouth you goof. Else you’re likely to get dropped like third period French.

    • Anonymous
      1 year ago

      Your an idiot

      • *You’re

        Dropped like third period English maybe? 😂

    • Rod garant
      1 year ago

      The moral of the story is that teaching young kids respect and that they can’t bully EVERYONE! Your opinion is weak..Respect has been lost in the generations and you have lost the whole point..luckily I fought for you to have an opinion..doesn’t mean I have to like the one you have. .

    • Anonymous
      1 year ago

      You’re a douche. Chances are the gentlemen were bullied out of the spot to begin with and it even says they tried to settle it amicably. But the efforts were met with ageist and offensive remarks. So it’s ok to bully the elderly ?

    • McLennan
      1 year ago

      Oh piss off…you’re the DEVILS ADVOCATE…it’s time to, the bullies stand up to the youth of today…the bullies are the worst cowards.

    • Anonymous
      1 year ago

      It’s called respecting your elders. Read above. “They were effectively bullied out of their lunch spot”. And if the “old man” ends up getting hurt, he will have done it standing up for himself and others. Seriously. Did you vote for Harper too?

  • robinwcollins
    1 year ago

    They don’t look so powerful. Did they save Bayview Public, eh? Eh!? When we went there, grade five, we’d go have rumbles at recess. That was tough. Yah, at recess.

  • Paed Palmer
    1 year ago

    Touch one hair on one of those elderly gentlemen, and me and my boys will hunt you down like the mad dog you are. This is your one and only warning, lads.

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