Hintonburg Hipster Practices Pitching Tent in Living Room to Prepare for First Authentic Camping Trip

HINTONBURG – “I was tired of being a walking contradiction, it was time to take responsibility for my beard,” confessed 26 year-old Chris Walker. “I’ve been growing it now for two years and I never leave the house without wearing plaid. I was starting to get worried that people might find out that I’ve never been camping, I’ve never made a fire and I’ve never used an ax.”

The bearded millennial went on to explain that he was invited to join his girlfriend and her family on their annual Bon Echo camping trip. However, having had no previous outdoor experience the trip had become major source of identity anxiety. “Everyone assumes that if you have a big beard and wear plaid that you’re really good at outdoorsy things, but the truth, is I’m terrified of bugs. I feel like this trip is a crossroads point in my life. I have to take ownership of my beard and learn how to be outdoorsy. Because if I don’t, I’ll feel a lot of pressure to shave my beard and donate all of my plaid to St. Vincent de Paul.”

“To start my journey as an outdoors-person I did a lot of research online, I’ve pretty much got the MEC website memorized now. I thought about purchasing my camping gear online but I knew that I would need to talk to an expert in person.” Walker mustered enough courage to walk into the Richmond Road Mountain Equipment Co-op and had his notes ready on his iPhone 6 Plus to ask if the $449 MEC Volt 3 tent was really $105 better than the $395 MSR Elixir 3 tent, to weigh the pros and cons between a barrel and mummy style sleeping bag and what type of fresh roast coffee options were available in the woods.

“Between May and August we normally serve customers like Chris 10-15 times a weekend. They know all of the specs to the products but seem to have no intuition on how to physically handle them,” revealed a MEC senior sales staff. “Traditionally these ‘new’ campers looked like they’d spent their whole lives in an office, they would be wearing dress shirts and double pleated khakis but the last couple years guys walk in looking like Paul Bunyan asking the most elementary camping questions. It can be pretty challenging as a sales team but we’re learning how to adapt, you just can’t take anything for granted based on the way people look anymore, it is 2016.”

To prepare for his first outdoor adventure Walker anxiously spent 6 hours in his living room Sunday afternoon practicing how to pitch and take down his new MEC Volt 3 tent and roll his MEC Talon – 10 sleeping bag. “I was so nervous about making a fool of myself on the trip that I knew I needed a lot of practice, there’s just so many moving parts to a tent, I still have no idea what the pegs are for.”

This isn’t the first time Walker has had an identity crisis, last year he admitted to his friends that he knew nothing about craft beer. “My credibility was totally shot after the beer fiasco, this trip is going to be make or break for me, I may have to stop self-identifying as a hipster.”

According the Walker’s roommate he has been playing Forest and Nature Sounds while he sleeps for the last two weeks.

Ramsgate & Hackett

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