Hipster Admits He Knows Nothing About Craft Beer

OTTAWA – “Someone asked me if I could explain the difference between a porter and a stout and I couldn’t take it any longer,” confessed 25 year-old Chris Walker. “It was becoming an issue and harder and harder to hide. I knew I had to come clean.”

hipster beer Walker, like most hipsters, prided himself on his dedication to facial hair, local organic produce, cycling and craft beer, but, as his friends found out last week, he knows nothing about beer. “It’s a lot easier to fake than you would think, whenever I would talk to someone who was passionate about beer I would just ask them if it was ‘hoppy’ and then they would talk endlessly about the beer and I would smile, nod and stroke my moustache as if I understood what they were talking about.”

His friends felt betrayed and began to question his entire lifestyle, “You think you know someone and then you find out they’ve been lying to you for over a year,” shared his roommate, “it makes you wonder, is his beard even real? There’s a rumour that he bought produce at Wal-Mart.”

Friends reached out to Beyond the Pale brew master Shane Clark for support. “This isn’t the first time this has happened and we’re more than happy to help out.” Chris is getting in-house beer tasting lesson twice weekly with a blind tasting test at the end of the month.

Dr. Sandra Emerson a professor of cultural theory and psychology at the University of Ottawa explains the issue, “Traditionally young males beer choice was based off what their fathers drank but with the rise of craft brewers over the last decade this pattern has been altered and can lead to confusion, anxiety and in this case, Walker, masked those feelings by imitating conversations and attitudes of his peers. The pressure put on young males to grow facial hair and be experts in craft beer can be overwhelming. The most important way of dealing with these issues is by raising awareness, group brewery tours and having a close friend with a high beer aptitude that Chris can trust will go along way.”

Chris and his friends now see this as an opportunity to grow as a group. “At first I was upset but after we talked to Shane from Beyond the Pale and Prof Emerson I was able to cope with the news,” explains Walker’s girlfriend, “Up until last year I didn’t even know what the difference between a fixed-gear and a single-speed, that was beyond embarrassing, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for Chris living a lie for that long.”






Ramsgate & Hackett

2 Responses to “Hipster Admits He Knows Nothing About Craft Beer

  • This is really good, very funny. I won’t officially proclaim to like it for another few years though, when it will be properly rested and vintage. Cheers

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