Life Hack: Chapter 2, Job Search

Life Hack Image

Since quitting my job and falling into what I can only call a lifehack black hole, life has been a little rough. It turns out that the credit card I applied for had 30% interest and that quitting your job isn’t the best way to find meaning in your life. After three months of racking up credit card bills I’ve had to declare bankruptcy. They took away my treadmill, my potted plants died because they turned off the water, my organic groceries went bad because they cut off my power and my fridge doesn’t work anymore and worst of all my Ukrainian skype love interest stopped being interested in me once my credit card stopped working. I really miss Oksana.

Now I’m all alone with no job and I can only get wifi at the Wendy’s down the street. I’ve sorted out an arrangement with a tremendously lazy employee: I keep the tables clear of garbage and he gives me free refills from the cup I’ve had for two weeks and if I clean the toilet I get a double cheese burger. Not the worst way to live life I guess.

I spend my day cleaning tables and I clean the toilets three times giving me three square cheeseburgers a day. While I’m not busy working I sit with my laptop and look for jobs. So far this is the most promising job posting I’ve seen.

Organization: Intentionally Ambiguous Consultation Inc.  

Position: Completely Useless Job Description

Are you ready to be a team player? Do you have what it takes? Are you willing to go the extra mile? Can you meet tight deadlines? Do you like to be constantly challenged? Do you have advanced research skills? Do you have above average writing skills? Do you have above average oral skills?

If so send your resume and a detailed cover letter to useless@jobdiscription.com

Here’s my cover letter, what do you think?

Good Day Intentionally Ambiguous Consultation Inc.,  

I am applying for the position of Completely Useless Job Description. I have years of experience with similar jobs and I am ready to be a team player, in my current position, although I’m not officially part of the team, I work the worst tasks such as cleaning the bathroom and clearing the garbage off the table.

I do have what it takes, although I’m not entirely sure what that means but I’m pretty sure I have it.

I am definitely willing to go the extra mile. I used to use the internet at home but then they shut off my power and I started going to Wendy’s because they have free wifi and it is just over a full mile from my place.  

Absolutely, I can meet tight deadlines, I was in a long distance relationship and I had to figure out a 12hour time difference so that we could talk on Skype. My girlfriend told me that she could only talk for 30 minutes a day 5pm her time and I didn’t miss a single day until she broke up with me.

I love to be constantly challenged, I had a treadmill and three times a week I would put it on the uphill setting for at least twenty minutes.

I have above average research skills, I once read 39 how-to articles in one sitting, that’s over 780 clicks!

I’ve been working on my writing skills, check out this http://www.shoutmeloud.com/10-tips-to-improve-your-writing-skill.html I’ve read it at least twice!

I’ve been told I have above average oral skills, my ex-girlfriend used to tell me that I pronounced words more clearly than her other boyfriend; he was from another country though.

I look forward to hearing back from you. I feel like I would make a great fit to Intentionally Ambiguous Consultation Inc. I can’t wait to be part of your team.  

Sincerely,

Newbie Miller      

John Ramsgate

One Response to “Life Hack: Chapter 2, Job Search

Leave a Reply Text

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *